I’ve been doing a lot of thinking this week. I feel like
I’ve been wrestling with myself about many things, but the main thought that’s
been bothering me is an issue of identity. Who am I? What do I want to do with
my life? What’s important to me?
My personal meditation has produced ideas from all over the
spectrum, “Aha! This is what I want!” I declare. Only to have it ripped apart
the next day as a new piece of my personality emerges in protest. This
rollercoaster was very close to driving me insane,
when I happened upon something I discovered long ago, but had unfortunately put
away in the closet.
I found this little gem when I was able to put aside my fears
of what hideous thing I might become if every facet in my life wasn’t planned
out, and focus enough to see my circumstance from the inside out. This required
me letting go of anything outside of the moment, and just allowing myself to
be. When I did this, and felt the glow of my heart start to emerge, I
remembered:
“Truth can only exist in the moment, all else is theory.”
If I really want to find my truth, I can’t look at myself
and say, “Self, this is what you want to be for the rest of your life.” Because
when I do that, I slap a big fat label on my person. This label tells my
subconscious to block any emotion I may have that contradicts that label,
thereby blocking those aspects of my heart. This is not what I’m going for. I
prefer to get as much of my heart out there as I can.
It’s scary to let go of the controls I’ve placed on my
heart. It means letting go of the “good” image I’ve built of myself, and
instead, allowing my true person to take over. What if I don’t like my true
person? What if all my true person wants to do is sleep all day? What is she
going to feel? What is she going to want? What if she’s boring? What if she’s
selfish?
But when I brave up, and let my true person speak about the
moment in the moment, I feel amazing!
Like everything just got plump and juicy and full of life. And I realize, a
life full of this feeling, is an amazing life. I have nothing to fear… unless I
care what other people think.
You see, if I’m always going around following my heart, I
will not only thoroughly enjoy my life, but I will enjoy myself as well, because
I’ll always be doing exactly what I want
to do. The fear comes when I look at myself from another person’s perspective.
What if I look crazy? Or what if my heart never leads me to accomplish things
that will be remembered? Or what if I look selfish, unsteady,
fill-in-the-blank? What if no one ever notices me?
These are very real fears my friends.
But I did not get to the place I am in by being a wimp. No.
It has taken a lot of courage.
So this is my challenge: To live from the inside out… in the
moment. To make decisions based on my current desires and understandings, and
to let go of the fear of that changing. Because anything outside the moment is
a guess. I can only really know my current emotions and circumstances, as
anything and everything can change at the drop of a hat.
… And from what I’ve known of life, it usually does.
-Tara Schiller
